I really suck at trying to be a blogger, don't I? Since the last time I wrote in here though, I started thinking.... do I really even want to be a blogger? Whatever, I just want to write.
So since the last time I wrote in here, quite a lot of things have happened. I moved to a new city (and by city I mean small town- the type of place I never had any intention of living in. Oh well!) I started a new job. I have a new roommate. I am TIRED. I think I have been unemployed for so long that I sort of forgot what it was like to have a job. It's a lot of work, man! And I've barely done anything yet, since I've only been here 3 days.
Ok, so the thing about me is, I always thought I had a really healthy dose of self confidence. I suppose I did for a time.... in high school there was nothing to feel bad about really. In college I had my low moments but generally I felt pretty good. I have no reason not to feel good about myself, really. I really hate to toot my own horn but hey this is my blog and no one else reads it so what the hell right? I did well in school. I am quite satisfied with my body, my appearance, etc. I am not socially incompetent and a good conversationalist, some what. But the thing is..... I'm so afraid that I am deeply inadequate and that I will be incapable of completing the tasks that are assigned to me.
I know I've made a lot of little gaffes in my previous jobs as a waitress (worst month of my life...) and in retail and I definitely didn't (and still don't) feel good about them but I could always dismiss those as "I don't really care about this so I'm not doing my best. This is just something I do." Now that I have a job that I actually find interesting and want to succeed in I am finding myself increasingly worried that maybe I am just not capable of succeeding. Maybe those previous slip-ups at those jobs that I didn't really care about actually did define me. I know that choosing to let them define me is a choice. And that ultimately I am going to win and I am going to succeed. But still, it's scary!
The reason I bring this up is because today was the first day I felt like I really had a lot of different things being thrown at me. It was nothing big or remotely difficult either.... just a lot of different little things. And I had some minor moments of panic. I just am afraid that I'm going to do something wrong, and my boss who seems to think I'm great is going to be so disappointed when she realizes that I'm not nearly as competent as she thought I was. Irrationational? I refuse to let my social anxiety become a problem, but lately I am really having to remind myself to step back, stay present, stop worrying. It's annoying. Knowing that I am going to have to be calling people up soon and get information that they may or may not be happy to share is enough to just about give me a panic attack if I allow myself to think about it for too long.
Whew! But that's over now. I think I'm managing pretty well so far... trying to take it one day at a time. I'm going to try not to work or think about work once I'm away from the office (or meetings or school campuses, whatever.) Having serious boundaries between my work life and my sense of self is the only thing here that can keep me from going crazy.
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