I really suck at trying to be a blogger, don't I? Since the last time I wrote in here though, I started thinking.... do I really even want to be a blogger? Whatever, I just want to write.
So since the last time I wrote in here, quite a lot of things have happened. I moved to a new city (and by city I mean small town- the type of place I never had any intention of living in. Oh well!) I started a new job. I have a new roommate. I am TIRED. I think I have been unemployed for so long that I sort of forgot what it was like to have a job. It's a lot of work, man! And I've barely done anything yet, since I've only been here 3 days.
Ok, so the thing about me is, I always thought I had a really healthy dose of self confidence. I suppose I did for a time.... in high school there was nothing to feel bad about really. In college I had my low moments but generally I felt pretty good. I have no reason not to feel good about myself, really. I really hate to toot my own horn but hey this is my blog and no one else reads it so what the hell right? I did well in school. I am quite satisfied with my body, my appearance, etc. I am not socially incompetent and a good conversationalist, some what. But the thing is..... I'm so afraid that I am deeply inadequate and that I will be incapable of completing the tasks that are assigned to me.
I know I've made a lot of little gaffes in my previous jobs as a waitress (worst month of my life...) and in retail and I definitely didn't (and still don't) feel good about them but I could always dismiss those as "I don't really care about this so I'm not doing my best. This is just something I do." Now that I have a job that I actually find interesting and want to succeed in I am finding myself increasingly worried that maybe I am just not capable of succeeding. Maybe those previous slip-ups at those jobs that I didn't really care about actually did define me. I know that choosing to let them define me is a choice. And that ultimately I am going to win and I am going to succeed. But still, it's scary!
The reason I bring this up is because today was the first day I felt like I really had a lot of different things being thrown at me. It was nothing big or remotely difficult either.... just a lot of different little things. And I had some minor moments of panic. I just am afraid that I'm going to do something wrong, and my boss who seems to think I'm great is going to be so disappointed when she realizes that I'm not nearly as competent as she thought I was. Irrationational? I refuse to let my social anxiety become a problem, but lately I am really having to remind myself to step back, stay present, stop worrying. It's annoying. Knowing that I am going to have to be calling people up soon and get information that they may or may not be happy to share is enough to just about give me a panic attack if I allow myself to think about it for too long.
Whew! But that's over now. I think I'm managing pretty well so far... trying to take it one day at a time. I'm going to try not to work or think about work once I'm away from the office (or meetings or school campuses, whatever.) Having serious boundaries between my work life and my sense of self is the only thing here that can keep me from going crazy.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Happy Birthday MOMMA!
I've been meaning to mention the fact that a few days ago was my mom's birthday!! Of course it was a few days ago and she certainly doesn't care because she doesn't read this anyways. Haha. But I mention it mainly because I wanted to brag about the awesome cake I made (and no I don't have pictures. Maybe someday I will be a proper food blogger. But clearly that day is not today.)
My mom's approach to eating healthy tends to take the form of limiting desserts, so while I knew she would love something decadent and creative (my typical birthday favorites,) I also knew that there would be quite a bit leftover and I wanted to make something that she wouldn't feel bad eating for days on end. I also knew that we still had quite a few leftover apples from our Vermont apple-picking adventure. And I knew that I am obsessed with chocolate. So I headed to google and made some adjustments to this vegan low-fat chocolate applesauce cake.
Vegan Low-Fat Apple-Banana Cake:
P.S. Because this cake is not super sweet, I compensated with a very sweet spiced buttercream frosting. It was delish!!
My mom's approach to eating healthy tends to take the form of limiting desserts, so while I knew she would love something decadent and creative (my typical birthday favorites,) I also knew that there would be quite a bit leftover and I wanted to make something that she wouldn't feel bad eating for days on end. I also knew that we still had quite a few leftover apples from our Vermont apple-picking adventure. And I knew that I am obsessed with chocolate. So I headed to google and made some adjustments to this vegan low-fat chocolate applesauce cake.
Vegan Low-Fat Apple-Banana Cake:
- 2 cups flour
- 1 cup sugar
- 1 tbsp cornstarch
- 2 1/2 tsp baking soda
- a few pinches of salt
- 1/2 cup cocoa
- 1 cup applesauce
- 2 large bananas
P.S. Because this cake is not super sweet, I compensated with a very sweet spiced buttercream frosting. It was delish!!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
My first 5k! And other fun things.
Big things happening around here, big things! Ok well, not really. Still, since the last time I posted, a few semi exciting things have happened!
On Thursday afternoon I ran 3 miles! This may not seem like much, but for me it was a big deal because on Saturday I ran my first 5k! The run was put together by my wonderful best friend Sarah and it was so much fun. Sarah told me that it was half road/half trail, which was technically true.... I didn't realize that this "trail" was going to be like a sandy beach run. It was very hard to run on and I went really slow for parts, but I never stopped, and it felt sooo good to perk up at the end and sprint to the finish line! I finished in 28:43, which I am pretty proud of for my first 5k and especially considering the difficult terrain. All my life I have been a sort of... wannabe runner, but this is one of the first public steps I've taken in that direction. Hopefully this will not be my last race!
Sunday morning we woke up early.... super early.... to watch Sarah's boyfriend Thai in his first triathlon! It was a very icky rainy and cold day, but this didn't stop the 600+ racers. Though at times I felt like I wanted to pass out and was extremely fatigued from the less than 3 hours of sleep the night before, it was very inspiring to see. Makes me want to learn how to swim! And get a bike....
By the time we got back to her house my clothes were soaked through and I was ready to pass the eff out. And so we did. For 3 1/2 hours, and it was glorious. After that we went out to a big Chinese dinner and a movie with a UVM buddy. Nothing like a nice big meal to follow up a rough morning of watching other people work out ;)
Monday morning I was freaking out because I had a job interview. Well, I thought I did, anyways. It turned out my interviewer forgot to call me, so it ended up being on Tuesday which worked out much better for me. The main difference was one of attitude, of course. Monday I was extremely nervous. Couldn't stop talking about to Sarah, enjoy my food, or even stop shaking at the very end nervous. Sometimes I have really bad anxiety, I guess. Though I can't say I've ever really gotten this nervous before an interview before. And it was only a phone interview! I guess I'm becoming more anxious in my old age, not to mention it's been ages since I've had a real interview of any sort. But anyways. By Tuesday, after she had already forgotten about me once, I had a very, whatever attitude about the whole thing. I was not very nervous at all, and this definitely worked in my favor. Though she actually ended up asking me a lot more, and more serious interview questions than I had expected and I may have stumbled a few times, I actually did really well and she told me that she would pass me on to the site that I applied to! They will contact me if they want to set up an interview so we'll see! Keeping my fingers crossed!
Today I made a cheesy vegan casserole. I want to talk more about it but I suddenly am really tired. Tomorrow maybe I will talk more about my favorite subject of food and nutrition-goodnight!
On Thursday afternoon I ran 3 miles! This may not seem like much, but for me it was a big deal because on Saturday I ran my first 5k! The run was put together by my wonderful best friend Sarah and it was so much fun. Sarah told me that it was half road/half trail, which was technically true.... I didn't realize that this "trail" was going to be like a sandy beach run. It was very hard to run on and I went really slow for parts, but I never stopped, and it felt sooo good to perk up at the end and sprint to the finish line! I finished in 28:43, which I am pretty proud of for my first 5k and especially considering the difficult terrain. All my life I have been a sort of... wannabe runner, but this is one of the first public steps I've taken in that direction. Hopefully this will not be my last race!
Sunday morning we woke up early.... super early.... to watch Sarah's boyfriend Thai in his first triathlon! It was a very icky rainy and cold day, but this didn't stop the 600+ racers. Though at times I felt like I wanted to pass out and was extremely fatigued from the less than 3 hours of sleep the night before, it was very inspiring to see. Makes me want to learn how to swim! And get a bike....
By the time we got back to her house my clothes were soaked through and I was ready to pass the eff out. And so we did. For 3 1/2 hours, and it was glorious. After that we went out to a big Chinese dinner and a movie with a UVM buddy. Nothing like a nice big meal to follow up a rough morning of watching other people work out ;)
Monday morning I was freaking out because I had a job interview. Well, I thought I did, anyways. It turned out my interviewer forgot to call me, so it ended up being on Tuesday which worked out much better for me. The main difference was one of attitude, of course. Monday I was extremely nervous. Couldn't stop talking about to Sarah, enjoy my food, or even stop shaking at the very end nervous. Sometimes I have really bad anxiety, I guess. Though I can't say I've ever really gotten this nervous before an interview before. And it was only a phone interview! I guess I'm becoming more anxious in my old age, not to mention it's been ages since I've had a real interview of any sort. But anyways. By Tuesday, after she had already forgotten about me once, I had a very, whatever attitude about the whole thing. I was not very nervous at all, and this definitely worked in my favor. Though she actually ended up asking me a lot more, and more serious interview questions than I had expected and I may have stumbled a few times, I actually did really well and she told me that she would pass me on to the site that I applied to! They will contact me if they want to set up an interview so we'll see! Keeping my fingers crossed!
Today I made a cheesy vegan casserole. I want to talk more about it but I suddenly am really tired. Tomorrow maybe I will talk more about my favorite subject of food and nutrition-goodnight!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Trying to be, like, a real blogger
I want to blog so badly, but I am intimidated by the concept of blogging! I feel that I have nothing blogworthy to talk about in my life! I want to write because... well, let's be honest here. I'm out of school. I'm unemployed. I can't just sit here and let my brain rot anymore. I am just going to force myself to write as often as i can in hopes that by conditioning myself to blog, and blog OFTEN, I'll get back in the swing of writing enough that soon perhaps something interesting will come out of my mouth.
Ultimately, I would like do something productive to share my passion for healthy living (especially fresh healthy and tasty food!) with others. I don't know if I will ever have the confidence or courage to allow the world into my life that openly though.
I like to think I am pretty healthy. And I'm obsessed with food. The problem is, my life is in such a state of flux right now, it's hard to really get into the rhythm of exercising and cooking. 6 months ago I would not have predicted this but I seem to be... yearning for some stability? Odd. Not that that's in any way guaranteed or even expected seeing as I am currently searching for jobs all over, I plan on going to grad school in the next few years, my friends are scattered and the place where I am currently residing (my parents) is the place which I am looking to escape, asap. And I don't have a boyfriend which, maybe I am making this up, but seems like it would be a somewhat grounding factor? Err, well, I don't anymore.
So in conclusion, I want stability but I am not at all ready, and I want a relationship but am not yet willing to compromise. I am just a bundle of contradictions these days.
Ultimately, I would like do something productive to share my passion for healthy living (especially fresh healthy and tasty food!) with others. I don't know if I will ever have the confidence or courage to allow the world into my life that openly though.
I like to think I am pretty healthy. And I'm obsessed with food. The problem is, my life is in such a state of flux right now, it's hard to really get into the rhythm of exercising and cooking. 6 months ago I would not have predicted this but I seem to be... yearning for some stability? Odd. Not that that's in any way guaranteed or even expected seeing as I am currently searching for jobs all over, I plan on going to grad school in the next few years, my friends are scattered and the place where I am currently residing (my parents) is the place which I am looking to escape, asap. And I don't have a boyfriend which, maybe I am making this up, but seems like it would be a somewhat grounding factor? Err, well, I don't anymore.
So in conclusion, I want stability but I am not at all ready, and I want a relationship but am not yet willing to compromise. I am just a bundle of contradictions these days.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Oh, this
Oh, right. I completely forgot that I had started this thing one random night in Australia when I was pissed at the world for my lack of.... direction, let's say. Yeah, we'll go with that.
I may have completely neglected this blog for two months, but I have had a great summer. Post-Australia adventures included 5 days in LA, a week spent galavanting around southern New England and New York, and almost a month in my former home, beautiful Vermont. Yep, as of today I am no longer calling my favorite city and home base of 5 years.... home.
As restless as I've felt over the past year (you know, prior to my spontaneous trip to Australia) and as excited as I am to explore new places.... it still kind of sucks. Vermont is so awesome, and knowing that I have finally left with no intention of going back really fills me with mixed emotions. There is so much going on that I want to be a part of but frankly, I just don't know how. I feel like it's an epicenter of food education, of sorts, and I don't know how to break in without years of experience. Is it even possible? So really, I don't want to leave per se, but I feel like I have to. (This isn't to say, I will not go back. Given the opportunity, actually, I would be thrilled to take a job in almost any aspect of the local food movement. I just don't have any plans to do it. No more spontaneous moves for me.... I need to figure out the job situation FIRST.)
My birthday clearly has come and gone. Am I any closer to figuring out what exactly I am doing (like a, haha, astrologer told me I would be?) Well clearly not but I like to think I am moving in the right direction....?
I may have completely neglected this blog for two months, but I have had a great summer. Post-Australia adventures included 5 days in LA, a week spent galavanting around southern New England and New York, and almost a month in my former home, beautiful Vermont. Yep, as of today I am no longer calling my favorite city and home base of 5 years.... home.
As restless as I've felt over the past year (you know, prior to my spontaneous trip to Australia) and as excited as I am to explore new places.... it still kind of sucks. Vermont is so awesome, and knowing that I have finally left with no intention of going back really fills me with mixed emotions. There is so much going on that I want to be a part of but frankly, I just don't know how. I feel like it's an epicenter of food education, of sorts, and I don't know how to break in without years of experience. Is it even possible? So really, I don't want to leave per se, but I feel like I have to. (This isn't to say, I will not go back. Given the opportunity, actually, I would be thrilled to take a job in almost any aspect of the local food movement. I just don't have any plans to do it. No more spontaneous moves for me.... I need to figure out the job situation FIRST.)
My birthday clearly has come and gone. Am I any closer to figuring out what exactly I am doing (like a, haha, astrologer told me I would be?) Well clearly not but I like to think I am moving in the right direction....?
Monday, May 30, 2011
I wish someone had told me before graduation...
As an almost 23 year old, unemployed and semi-homeless post graduate, I realize I am just about the last person on earth qualified to give advice, but whatever. I'm really trying to stay optimistic here, but I'm kind of pissed at the world. I'm pissed that a year after graduation, I have nothing to show for it. Why didn't anyone tell me it was going to be like this?
Ok, college graduation was amazing. The day was surreal and blissfully happy and I loved everything about it (well, besides my schools 5 hour long ceremony in 95 degree heat. That sucked, actually.) College was the time of my life. My family was behind me the entire way, as always. The problem is, they're just.... sooo annoyingly proud of everything I do and so blindly confident that I will succeed. They are just too nice and they love me too much, is what I'm saying. I know this may be a strange thing to complain about. I'm blessed to have grown up in such a loving and supportive environment but sometimes I just wish their admiration was a bit more conditional.... I want ask them, what the hell are you so proud of me for? I haven't done anything!! This was the easy part! I wish someone had just taken me aside and shook me and told me the truth: college is over, time to wake the fuck up.
This is what's up: the real world isn't going to be this rosy little bubble where you are great just for being you, most people aren't going to be overly impressed with your bachelors degree, and in fact no one in the real world really cares about your success. Unless of course, you give them a reason to.
Yes, college, quite possibly the best four years of your life (though I'm still hoping not) is over. Life as you know it is over. And yet.... it goes on. The world isn't going to stop for you so if you don't put yourself out there, you will get left behind. Don't let that happen!
The truth is, for most of our lives we've been set up for success. Each year we're assured that as long as we register for classes and get decent grades we can make it. And we do, year after year.... it's great. It's so easy! Why would any one not come to college? After graduation, though.... well, no one out here really cares if you make it or not. You have to show them that you can, and you have to work to create your own success. No one is doing it for you anymore. Most of all, you really have to believe in yourself. I know, I know, just believe and anything's possible? Yeah right. I know. But seriously. If you don't believe in your own abilities, why on earth should anyone else? You are capable... you can do things. Anything! Something! Surely you can do something, so go out there and kick that somethings ass!
After graduating, I didn't feel like I was really qualified for anything. I thought I was stupid, honestly. It wasn't until I got out into the real world that I realized.... actually, I think I'm smart. I do know things. Fuck, I'm smarter than a lot of these idiots.... yet no one is giving me special treatment because I have a degree. Why should they? I haven't given them a reason to. They don't know that I have these great ideas, and big dreams, and talents. And yet here I am working these stupid minimum wage jobs. And I'm better than that. And you are too, if you've come this far.
I know it may not feel like graduating college is an accomplishment, but it is. If nothing else, at least you can bullshit. That is an art.
Of course, that's not to say that any job is below you. And there's nothing wrong with minimum wage jobs. Hell, I'll work for free if it's something I want to be doing (and I have.... a few too many times now.) My point is, you don't need to settle for something you aren't really happy doing. Just ask yourself, is this the direction you want to be going in? If not, you need to work to change that because no one else is going to.
A lot of people are dumb. Or, to put it more eloquently, everyone is smart in different ways. And in spite of the fact that these certain individuals may be lacking a specific type of intelligence, they are still functioning in the real world! You don't have to be a genius to make it. That's why you gotta believe in yourself. Honestly, if you're questioning yourself, that's a good thing. This means you are self aware. You are normal and receptive and willing to learn. Anyone who thinks they know what they want to do for the rest of their life is most likely an idiot and will probably have an existential crisis later. You're getting yours out of the way now (at least that's what I keep telling myself....)
Unless you are one of those strange people who has known what they want to do with their life forever (forgive me for my statement in the previous paragraph, I'm just jealous...) you probably have a lot of different interests, and a lot of different things you want to do. This is quite normal, I think. They don't say you've got your whole life in front of you for nothing! The clincher is, you just have to do something. Or maybe you want to take some time off, travel the world, work on a ski mountain, whatever. That's fine too. What you absolutely can not and must not do is nothing. I know, thank you captain obvious, right? But having so many different interests and so many different opportunities.... it's overwhelming. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm a cancer and when I don't know what to do, all I want is to go back into my shell and drink tea for a while. And that kind of is what I did.... so think of me as your example of what not to do. But why would you do nothing, you ask? Ok, so I didn't literally do nothing. The problem was, I wasn't exactly sure which direction to go in and so I waited. And waited. And waited for the perfect opportunity because with so much out there, surely I could find something that was perfect for me. Something that I was fully qualified for. The truth is, that job doesn't exist. And though education is important, the only way to become truly qualified is through experience and... well, none of us really have that when we graduate. It's kind of a crap shoot so you know what? Just go for it... something will work out. Trust me.
Ok, college graduation was amazing. The day was surreal and blissfully happy and I loved everything about it (well, besides my schools 5 hour long ceremony in 95 degree heat. That sucked, actually.) College was the time of my life. My family was behind me the entire way, as always. The problem is, they're just.... sooo annoyingly proud of everything I do and so blindly confident that I will succeed. They are just too nice and they love me too much, is what I'm saying. I know this may be a strange thing to complain about. I'm blessed to have grown up in such a loving and supportive environment but sometimes I just wish their admiration was a bit more conditional.... I want ask them, what the hell are you so proud of me for? I haven't done anything!! This was the easy part! I wish someone had just taken me aside and shook me and told me the truth: college is over, time to wake the fuck up.
This is what's up: the real world isn't going to be this rosy little bubble where you are great just for being you, most people aren't going to be overly impressed with your bachelors degree, and in fact no one in the real world really cares about your success. Unless of course, you give them a reason to.
Yes, college, quite possibly the best four years of your life (though I'm still hoping not) is over. Life as you know it is over. And yet.... it goes on. The world isn't going to stop for you so if you don't put yourself out there, you will get left behind. Don't let that happen!
The truth is, for most of our lives we've been set up for success. Each year we're assured that as long as we register for classes and get decent grades we can make it. And we do, year after year.... it's great. It's so easy! Why would any one not come to college? After graduation, though.... well, no one out here really cares if you make it or not. You have to show them that you can, and you have to work to create your own success. No one is doing it for you anymore. Most of all, you really have to believe in yourself. I know, I know, just believe and anything's possible? Yeah right. I know. But seriously. If you don't believe in your own abilities, why on earth should anyone else? You are capable... you can do things. Anything! Something! Surely you can do something, so go out there and kick that somethings ass!
After graduating, I didn't feel like I was really qualified for anything. I thought I was stupid, honestly. It wasn't until I got out into the real world that I realized.... actually, I think I'm smart. I do know things. Fuck, I'm smarter than a lot of these idiots.... yet no one is giving me special treatment because I have a degree. Why should they? I haven't given them a reason to. They don't know that I have these great ideas, and big dreams, and talents. And yet here I am working these stupid minimum wage jobs. And I'm better than that. And you are too, if you've come this far.
I know it may not feel like graduating college is an accomplishment, but it is. If nothing else, at least you can bullshit. That is an art.
Of course, that's not to say that any job is below you. And there's nothing wrong with minimum wage jobs. Hell, I'll work for free if it's something I want to be doing (and I have.... a few too many times now.) My point is, you don't need to settle for something you aren't really happy doing. Just ask yourself, is this the direction you want to be going in? If not, you need to work to change that because no one else is going to.
A lot of people are dumb. Or, to put it more eloquently, everyone is smart in different ways. And in spite of the fact that these certain individuals may be lacking a specific type of intelligence, they are still functioning in the real world! You don't have to be a genius to make it. That's why you gotta believe in yourself. Honestly, if you're questioning yourself, that's a good thing. This means you are self aware. You are normal and receptive and willing to learn. Anyone who thinks they know what they want to do for the rest of their life is most likely an idiot and will probably have an existential crisis later. You're getting yours out of the way now (at least that's what I keep telling myself....)
Unless you are one of those strange people who has known what they want to do with their life forever (forgive me for my statement in the previous paragraph, I'm just jealous...) you probably have a lot of different interests, and a lot of different things you want to do. This is quite normal, I think. They don't say you've got your whole life in front of you for nothing! The clincher is, you just have to do something. Or maybe you want to take some time off, travel the world, work on a ski mountain, whatever. That's fine too. What you absolutely can not and must not do is nothing. I know, thank you captain obvious, right? But having so many different interests and so many different opportunities.... it's overwhelming. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm a cancer and when I don't know what to do, all I want is to go back into my shell and drink tea for a while. And that kind of is what I did.... so think of me as your example of what not to do. But why would you do nothing, you ask? Ok, so I didn't literally do nothing. The problem was, I wasn't exactly sure which direction to go in and so I waited. And waited. And waited for the perfect opportunity because with so much out there, surely I could find something that was perfect for me. Something that I was fully qualified for. The truth is, that job doesn't exist. And though education is important, the only way to become truly qualified is through experience and... well, none of us really have that when we graduate. It's kind of a crap shoot so you know what? Just go for it... something will work out. Trust me.
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